The Woes of Keeping A Diary
by incompetent.twitch
Summary: [LilyJames]'Deep breath Lily. No, don’t choke on your own saliva...okay, yes, that’s better.' Lily Evans is facing something that she had hoped to avoid...an ignorant prat capable of breaking her heart


**Story Title: **The Woes of Keeping A Diary

**Chapter Number: **1

**Date Written: **8/26/05

**Date Uploaded: **8/27/05

**Author:** incompetent.twitch

**Disclaimer:** 'Tis not mine. Nada.

* * *

It's gone. I can't believe it. I feel like standing in the middle of the Great Hall and pulling out every hair on Sirius Black's head, just for causing me, _Lily Evans_, to feel this way.

I am a nervous wreck. I've made a considerably worn path in front of my bed, and I have eaten my entire stash of Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans. Or, at least, that's what Bella told me. She's been watching me shrewdly ever since I came up here 5 hours ago. Mostly I think she's been helping to demolish my candy stash.

What a great friend.

She, of course, has no idea of the problem. Nooooooo…only Sirius Black knows. You see, he has taken something very dear to me. Something that will make me subject to endless teasing and possible heartbreak. I don't need that right now. Not in my state as the PMS Queen on Gryffindor.

I've been informed several times during my menstrual cycles that I should have been placed in Slytherin, and not in the wonderful house of non-PMS-ing girls…Gryffindor.

I respond to these comments with a _very_ hard smack.

Luckily, most of these comments have diminished. You see, James Potter used to say most of them. But because of a recent turn of horrid events, he has matured. Unfortunately, both of James' parents were killed at the end of our 6th year. While this forced James to grow up, and in the process show me just how good of a person he really is, he hasn't been the same since.

He used to take his broom and fly out into the middle of a thunderstorm. Not the safest thing to do, but when has he ever been safe? He used to stand up in the middle of the Great Hall on the last Thursday of every month, and sing a song by the Beatles. He has a decent singing voice, I suppose. It wasn't annoying in the least. Not like that bloody mop perched on his head.

Well, that's how I used to refer to his hair. I realize now just how unfair I was. But if I had known then the things I knew now I would have been in my current predicament long ago.

Confused? Me too.

See, as soon as I heard that James' parents (both Aurors) had been killed by Voldemort (yeah, sue me. I said the name.), I started a diary. I wanted to be able to record the good things in my life, so if anything as tragic as having my parents killed happened I would be able to remember the good things, not just the bad things.

Consequently, I started to notice more things about one James Potter.

I realized that he really was a beautiful person under all of the sarcastic and crude remarks. And if you cocked your head to the left and squinted your eyes barely a fraction of an inch, you would see that he was a beautiful person outside as well as inside.

Now in my 7th and final year at Hogwarts, I wonder why I had never noticed it before.

As much as this opened my eyes to James Potter and all other good things in life, it also lead me to the aforementioned predicament.

My bloody diary was missing.

* * *

I sighed, pacing once again the path between my bed and the door that led to the very luxurious Head's bathroom. My body had a mind of it's own. My legs were weary and my fingers were cramped from snapping so much, and yet they still kept going. I wonder if they would keep going when (_when_, not_ if_) I dropped dead from nervousness.

"Would you _please_ tell me what's going on, Lily? Honestly, I'm bored now that I've finished my homework and your entire candy stash." And there was the ever encouraging voice of my best friend in the entire bloody world, Bellatrix Black.

Haha, I got you, didn't I? Although Bellatrix has the same nickname, she's not the Bella I'm referring to.

Arabella Figg threw a candy wrapper at me to further gain my attention. "Will you just bloody tell me?" she whined, sounding like a three year old.

I rolled my eyes, and then winced as it furthered my headache.

"Sirius stole my diary." I said, getting straight to the point. I like to think that I am a very blunt person.

"Oh." Bella replied. I raised an eyebrow. Her eyes widened considerably. "_Oh_."

I sighed heavily. "Yeah, I know. I'm just not sure what to do now."

"Do you think that he'll give it to…"

"Yes. I'm nearly positive. That's why I've been wearing a bloody race track down in my carpet."

A faint grin crawled across her lips. "Well, maybe this isn't so bad."

I gawped at her. "_What_! How can it not be '_so bad_'!" My voice rose in pitch and I probably broke a few glasses along the way.

"Well," she began in a drawling voice, and I automatically knew that this could not be good. "Since you're too much of a wimp to reveal your feelings for him," (just imagine me having a minor stroke here, okay?) "Sirius decided to do it _for_ you. I actually think that he is quite heroic."

I scowled at her. "You're just saying that because you have a bloody crush on him."

She blushed ferociously. "I do not." She argued weakly.

"Do too." I retorted, sticking my tongue out.

"Well you're the same way with James!" she burst out.

I blushed, and I blushed _hard_. All the way to the roots of my flaming red hair. I must have looked awful at that moment.

And what she said is _so_ not true.

Is it?

* * *

Several hours later, and I still have not left the confines of my room in the Head Students Dormitory. I am barely a shadow of my former self. No more cool, calm, collected Lily. I was in full out tear my hair from my head, wear a hole in the floor, become homicidal and murder Sirius Black mode.

No, maybe I wouldn't do that. He was James' best friend, and I didn't want James to be hurt any more that he already had been.

Yes, that's right. In the 2 hours since Bella has exited my room, I have come to terms that I do indeed fancy a Mr. James Potter. Whether or not he is the one who enjoys flying in thunderstorms, singing Beatles tunes, and run his hands consistently through his hair, I may never know.

Suddenly, there is a knocking on the door. Making a disgruntled noise, I stalk over to it and wrench it open.

"Fine Bella, you were right. But I'm telling Sirius that you-" I cut myself quite short when I realized that I was not indeed talking to my best friend, but to the object of my affections instead. I blushed, again. I hate the color red.

"Go ahead." James urges me, nodding his head in a polite manner. "I want to hear this."

I put on my best scowl, which to tell the truth, is quite awful right now because I have just realized that the object of my affection happens to be holding the object of attention span in his left hand.

My diary.

He's. Got. My. Diary.

I feel like I may just have another minor heart attack right then and there.

James follows my mortified gaze and smiles slightly as his gorgeous cerulean eyes land on the little green book. That alone brings me out of my trance. Why isn't he smirking? Surely, if he'd read it, he'd realize that he had managed to finally get the attention of every single female in Hogwarts. Surely he couldn't be that changed?

Could he?

He lifts his eyes to meet mine. The slight smile is still on his face. It's beginning to worry me. If he doesn't say something soon, his smile will haunt my worried nightmares forever.

"I didn't read it." He says in a soft voice. The shock of it almost causes me to reel back in confusion. I blink and shake my head, furrowing my brow. I don't understand. He's a _Marauder_. He's _supposed_ to know everybody else's business.

I tell him so, and he laughs lightly, albeit sadly. Then he speaks, and his words nearly shatter my heart and almost cause another mini stroke.

"I know that you haven't noticed Lily, but I've changed. I don't do things like that anymore." He shakes his head a bit, then turns to go. "Have a nice Christmas break at home, Lily." Then I watch him as he disappears down the hallway. I don't know where he goes.

Right now I'm choking back a sob. I _have_ noticed, you bloody prat! I know you're miserable, but can't you just take a minute from your angst to see that I care about you? The entire year I've been fussing over him, making sure he was in classes on time, making sure he had enough to eat, etcetera. His friends appreciate it, they've told me so. So why doesn't he?

I wish that I had enough Gryffindor bravery to run down the hall and tell him these things. But I don't. As I close my door, diary in hand, I reflect over the reasons why I wasn't placed in Ravenclaw.

* * *

It's been almost a week since that incident. I've decided that I am temporarily pissed off at James, and I've been ignoring him. Not that he knows the difference, of course. He's too thick and pigheaded to realize that I've been acting differently the entire school year.

His friends notice. They're perceptive. Well, not Peter, but he's another story. One that I'm not telling. Obviously.

Well, since _The Incident_, or so Sirius is calling it, (I've whacked him numerous times on the head for coming up with such an uncreative name), I've decided that I will not be spending my Christmas at home like I've done every year for the past 18 years.

It's a cause for sadness, but I hope to achieve something during Christmas Break at Hogwarts that I could not accomplish at home.

James, of course, has no idea of this change in plan. Even though He is now in possession of the list of people staying at Hogwarts and those going home for the Holidays.

So right now it's Christmas Eve. I'm spending it in my Head's Dorm Room (of course) with my best friends Bella and Mundungus Fletcher. Both of their presents are already wrapped and stowed away under my bed, where neither of them can fit. I'm currently in the process of wrapping my precious diary in the most expensive wrapping paper I could find. And I was taking great care in doing it, too. It needed to be perfect.

"So, are you actually going to go through with your oh-so-brilliant plan?" Mundungus asks.

I send him a death glare, one that I have perfected through years of menstrual cycles. "I'm going to do it." I snap. "Don't forget, _Dung_, that I'm in Gryffindor and _you_ are in Hufflepuff."

He wrinkled his nose. "If I hadn't have known you from before Hogwarts, I never would have chosen to be friends with you." He informed me hotly. However, his twitching lips gave it away. Bella and I glanced at each other and rolled our eyes simultaneously. Mundungus Fletcher was incapable of keeping a straight face.

The present wrapping was finished. Before I went to bed I owled out all of the presents, except for James', which I kept by my bead. There was no way that I was letting it out of my sight.

* * *

Deep breath Lily. No, don't choke on your own saliva-okay, yes, that's better.

I was staring apprehensively at the wooden door in front of me. This wooden door was all that was separating me from the domain of one of Hogwarts' biggest tricksters. I was a little nervous that my Gryffindor courage would fail me any moment now. It had lasted me all of last night and into this morning while I was busy opening my presents, but I was sure that it was going to leave me cold and alone in my hour of need.

Skeptically I looked down at the little wrapped book in my hand. This had been one of my most precious momentos for the last few months, and here I was, about to hand it away to the one person who could change my life for better or for worse.

Taking one last deep, calming breath, I raised my fist and rapped my knuckles against the mahogany. I waited with baited breath for a few moments, before the door was opened.

I released a sigh of relief when James opened the door. The sight of him all disheveled and confused at seeing me there gave me more strength. Beaming, I greeted him.

"Hullo James! Merry Christmas!" I whistled a popular Christmas tune as I sidestepped him into his room. I looked around and decided that the room was very _James_ like. That gave me even more courage. I knew that there was no backing down now.

He still looked confused when I turned back to him. I guess he wasn't expecting me. I voiced this, and then continued on with my tirade.

"It's okay if you didn't get anything in return, I wasn't really expecting one. It's just…well, something you said a few days ago really riled me up. Apparently, you're convinced that I haven't seen the changes in you. I have. I'm not sure whether or not all of them are good or bad, but I guess that I'll just have to figure it out sooner or later. You may still not believe me, but I hope that this gift will help to convince you."

At this point, I stuck out both of my hands, in which lay the wrapped diary. James gazed down at it for a moment, then glanced back up at my face. In response I raised an eyebrow, and outstretched my arms a little farther, encouraging him to take the present.

Hesitantly, he outstretched his right hand and took it from me. Ever so carefully, he unwrapped it from the very expensive wrapping paper, which he made sure not to rip. He turned the book to face front, and stared at it for a moment. I inhaled sharply as he opened the cover. The first words on that page would change my life forever.

_'I am Lily Evans, and I am completely and unhealthily in Love with James Harold Potter.'_

He stared at the words. I stared at him. It felt like an eternity, and I knew that at any moment, I would start crying. I was heartbroken. After so many year of chasing me and caring for me while I ignored him, the tables had been turned. Now I knew exactly how he had felt.

Suddenly, he did something that was quite unexpected. It shocked me, and nearly made my mouth drop open. It brightened the room like nothing else could.

He beamed at me. He was so happy, it looked as if he were trying to light up the entire world. He beamed right at me, and it was such a beautiful moment I felt the breath stolen from my body. Then, he did something else unexpected.

He glanced up.

I felt my eyes dragged skyward, just as the breath was beginning to return to my body. Then, very suddenly, it left me again. For there, staring back at me from the ceiling, was a sprig of mistletoe.

My eyes quickly fell back down to James' face. He was still grinning that amazing smile at me. I felt the world spin, and it was almost as if nothing existed but James, I, and that sprig of mistletoe that I now want to be buried enough.

You're smart. I'm sure that you know what happened next.

**

* * *

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**Wow. I wrote this at about midnight, and it's really random, not to mention _very_ different from anything else that I've written. This isn't in connection to anything, though I am considering starting a story from it.**

**I hope you enjoyed!**

**-twitch**


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